So last night's run was freaking hard for me to get out. I went to the trail and as I got there, I just felt this huge urge to stop, turn around and get back in the car. I try really hard to not do things like that, especially when I just want to quit. Though, this time, I left. I drove home and got pretty pissed at myself.
I got home and wanted to switch shoes, and get in some road running. When I got there I found it REALLY tough to get out. I literally found myself staring at the door and not being able to take that step forward. It was frustrating and tough to deal with. I finally after pacing, going to the bathroom 3 times, making sure I had the right hat, coat, gloves, debating over bringing my water bottle or not.... I made it out the door.
Once I was out I had the same thoughts. "Stop man, just turn around and go back inside" I'm not sure what it was. Why it was. I kept thinking of something Nichole said to me. She threw it all in my face when I said I didn't want to go. Telling me that a race I have planned is going to be dark, it's going to hurt, and there will be times I want to quit.
I had moments of doubt in myself about running, and being able to complete 50/100 miles. I had fears of hitting a hill and stopping. I had thoughts of bonking. I had thoughts of how they all felt in my head, in my heart, on my body.. the times that I've done them all. I have been taking a lot of time off lately and my fears have become pretty overwhelming. This all came to me in the first mile, of what was supposed to be a 10 mile run.
So what did I do? What I always do.. FUCK fear!
I had a fear of being in high places, until I stood ontop of a building and looked down.
I had a fear of the dark, until I turned out all the lights.
I had a fear of being alone, until I told everyone to go away.
I had a fear of failing, until I tried something I didn't know how to do.
I don't like being afraid of something. It occupies me. So, I started to run harder. Then I started thinking about how the races I have coming up are loops. One is a loop course that is 10 times. Two are out and back twice. There is another possibly 10 lap run. So, how do I do that? Run in a circle 10 times? Well, I've done it before, and the best way to get used to something is to do it again. So I made up my mind at around mile 1.5 ( yeah this all happened in 1.5 miles, about 10 mins) I decided to run a local 4 mile loop 3 times. Why? Because some where I need to torture myself.
Running for me, is 10% body and 90% mental. Anyone can get up and run, anyone can run faster than they did a few days ago with practice. Practice is where the 90% comes in. Choosing to eat healthy, instead of stopping at McDonalds. Choosing to go to bed at 9, so you can be up at 5 for a long run, instead of watching that Jersey Shore marathon.
My mind is what needs practice. Winter is hard for me because of the weather, but mostly the dark. So, if you see me running around my block, with a handheld and a headlamp, over and over. You'll know why. Beacause I don't want to be scared.